Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Wrong Men For Me

I decided to try to meet somebody on Craigslist. Big mistake. I should have tried the local crack house instead. Here are some examples of the respondents to my ad on craigslist:

The guy whose e-mail name was extremely suggestive of a sexual proclivity I do not endeavor to explore. But the funny thing is he was offended I was not interested, and told me I was a freak!

The men who will be divorced in a few months. Have an estranged wife. Or a frigid wife. Give me a fucking break you mental midgets. As if... I do not understand married men who want side action. Of all the men I have ever met who were stepping out, or trying to do so, on their wives, I have been stunned they got one woman’s attention, not to mention that of a mistress. And where the hell do these men get the money for the side action anyway? Surely you must placate both your wife and mistress to make the arrangement worth their while.

The men who swing both ways, and want me to bring friends, and hope we attracted to the same type of man. Where in my ad did I say we would be having sex anyway? I think bisexuals are selfish and/or in denial. I won’t even let anybody borrow my CD’s, kiss my ass thinking I will have a polyamorous relationship. Three’s a crowd.

Plushies. Ok, I am creeped out by anyone wearing a costume or mask that obscures their face, ESPECIALLY if they do it to get off. I also find clowns and Santa to be utterly creepy, just in case you were wondering.

Guys who are sending obvious form letters. They say all kinds of bullshit about themselves, like they are very giving, and enjoy long walks in the sand, and have all kinds of interests, lots of stuff, lots of money. They never refer to anything in my ad, or ask anything about me. My penultimate favorites are the ones who just happen to mention the alleged length of their penis. Seriously, size does matter, but not the way men think.

Speaking of penises, cock shots. What is the deal with cock shots? Do any men ever have any success with this approach? What form of viral infectious herpasyphilaids do these guys get from the women who actually are lured by this ploy? And I hope they never borrow my stapler or other stuff at work.

I also like men who tell me they are successful and attractive. Both very subjective things. If you make three hundred grand a year selling drugs to preschoolers and your Mommy thinks you have cute dimples you are not successful and attractive.

Alleged men from alleged foreign countries. As well as men who will be in my area for a week or so. Yeah, right. I especially love when they send me photos of themselves that are of minor celebrities, or even better, from a clothing catalog. Fucking morons. Where in my ad did I state that duplicity gets me hot? Surely you jest.

Men who correct my spelling, grammar, and content. Apparently some women get off on the whole negativity and condescension thing. Me, not so much.

Men who are the polar opposite of what I put in my ad. To be fair and honest, I know to never say never, especially when it comes to men, but I am also a grown woman. I know what does and does not work for me, and why. Everyone has things they definitely like, and definitely dislike. There are things about me that are deal breakers for some men. That is ok, we are all entitled to our feelings and needs.

I love the men who pump me for information while refusing to provide any about themselves. It is like pulling teeth for them to tell you anything. Men who play hard to get don’t get any.

Even less alluring than the aloof, information hoarder, is the freak show who e-mails you several times a day, all excited, and as the day wears on becomes increasingly agitated and insulting because you have not responded. I realize I am some kind of idiot freak to have a job, and a life, and all, and therefore not spend my days and nights chained to my computer hoping for e-mail from such a paragon of manliness.

So, I gave up on craigslist. I wonder if there are any nice guys at the bookstore...

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