Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Fearless Feline

My cat, Mon Petit Amour, has a kitty, Girly Kitty, who is not the sharpest knife in the furry drawer. This cat is just flat out not wired right.

She takes running leaps at door frames, and then hangs upside down from them, all the while screaming like her non existent balls are in a vice.

She jumps in the shower with me and then sits there and tries to lick the water off her fur while trying to hide behind me to protect her from the water.

She cannot figure out how to open stuff like most cats do. She cannot get into the cat food, even though it is out in the open and not sealed. She just paws at the bag and whines until Mon Petit Amour comes along and spills it for her. All the while they have food in their dishes, mind you.

Every time I open a door she goes running through it like she is late to pick up her lottery winnings. This is funny when she goes in the basement and walks along the joists and gets on top of the duct work, then cries for me to come get her because she cannot get down. This is not funny when she decides to run outside.

She is, as I said, STUPID, and an indoor only cat, so it scares the crap out of me. But, I should not worry because coupled with her mental midgetry is an abject fear of grass, apparently. Last week, she escaped just as I was running out the door to work. As soon as she hit the grass; she started to screech, and do that idiot cat thing where they lift up one paw at a time and shake it, then put it right back down in the stuff they were trying to shake off. I grabbed her quickly and stuck her clueless little body back in the house. It was not until I got to work that I realized I had muddy little paw prints all over the chest area of my blouse. Purrty, huh?

Today, her complete cluelessness in the ways of the cat has once again cracked me up. What with the apparent monsoon season here, things are damp. This has created a hospitable environment for the occasional pest thingys. So, my dippy kitty is sitting on the entertainment center, where she is not supposed to be, licking the vase of flowers she is not supposed to touch, when she notices a bug thingy on the wall. My furry little dipshit takes a running leap and bonks her head on the wall. Undeterred, she again attempts to get closer. When she does, the bug moves, and my poor little huntress cowers in fear and runs to her Mommy to save her from the evil invader. As I stroke her fur, and tell her how much I love my little ding-dong wimpy Girly Kitty, I wonder if they sell helmets for cats. I think she needs to be wearing one all the time.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Winter of My Discontent

Greetings Royal Internet People!

The urge to write has hit me, so here I am, do with me what you will.

I feel like winter is just ending, it was too cold for too long, and then it rained, and rained, and then rained some more. It has been miserable. People are on edge and testy.

For months I was sick with one thing after another. Nothing life threatening, just did not feel well, and spent a lot of time being a glorified pin cushion getting blood work done. Turns out I had a few different things going on. Also, I get sick to my stomach when I am upset, and I have a work situation that really upsets me with no hope for escape any time soon with the current job market.

Right now with my house I feel completely stalled. I need to jump through so many hoops with permits, and codes, and ordinances, etc. etc. etc with my town. It is ridiculous. I am being red taped to death, and I still live in a house that is screwed up. I feel like I have gotten nothing done in months. Not just because I am held up by bureaucratic hell, but because I was sick, and spent most of the time just dragging myself to work and other obligations, and then lying in bed too miserable to sleep trying to will myself to sleep because I was exhausted.

Finally, I asked for help. It seems all the bullshit of my life has caught up with me, and I kind of need to deal with it. I thought I had, but I am wrong. So now I have some very nice drugs that help me not cry when my work situation flares up, and some others that help me sleep for a reasonable amount of time at reasonable intervals, and a good shrink to help me deal with my ubiquitous issues. I am doing very well with it all, and am figuring out how to cope more productively. It is hard work. I am proud of myself. Apparently I was so busy what with working like a maniac, and then dealing with two terminally ill parents who had the unmitigated gall to die within days of one another and leave in their wake fragile family dynamics that collapsed, seemingly on top of me. So, when I got it dealt with, and came up for air, it turns out I did know how to breathe so to speak. I need to learn how to be "normal" it seems. This cracks me up.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Growing Pains

I have a very bad habit of becoming quite the little hermit when things in my life are not going as I had hoped. This results in me not having a lot of contact with the people in my life for long periods of time at different points in my life.

Somewhere along the line it has occurred to me that I am not in charge of keeping in touch. It is a new thing for me actually. I think in any relationship whether it be of the romantic, familial, or friendshipial the door swings both ways. So, I have stopped felling guilty about all the phone calls I haven’t made, and started trying to figure out why I am not making them.

Knowing myself, and what with pushing 40 oh so hard these days, I know a thing or two about people in general too. I think I have learned not to depend on people. So now that I have a moment to breathe for the first time in over a decade I am starting to examine my relationships on all fronts and how fulfilling they are to me. Then, if they are not fulfilling, I have to figure out why and if I want to do anything about it.

I feel like now I have a lot of people in my life that I keep at arm's length. I do not want to stop having them in my life, but my relationship with them has changed. I just do not feel as close to them as I used to feel. For all kinds of reasons.

I don't know if I ever will trust my sisters, but, they ARE my sisters, and I want to know them.

Some of my friendships are very old, and I think we became complacent with each other. We got used to the security of the friendship without maintaining it.
So, then I have all these people in my life who are relatives or friends I have known so long I do not remember not knowing them, but then I have new people I am meeting every day. I feel like I can be myself with new people.

With my "old" people, I feel like who I am and who they think I am are very different so I feel stifled and frustrated when I spend time with them and I am trying to figure out why and what I want to do make things better.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Hello 2009

2008 was a hell of a year. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I made a lot of changes.

At the beginning of 2008 I made some resolutions. This year, as 2009 dawns, resolutions, we don’t need no stinking resolutions.

Here’s how 2008’s resolutions panned out.

Lay off the soda. I will stop drinking so much soda, and I will not start drinking too much juice or chocolate milk instead. --- Done, done, and done. Also, I stopped drinking diet soda and started drinking the high-octane stuff when I do drink soda. Turns out diet soda tricks your body, and does nothing to deplete the fatness of your ass.

I will go someplace where I need my passport. --- Well, did not do this one. But I did need my passport for ID, twice.

I will try to find somebody to go some place I need my passport with me. If not, I will go by myself, and stop thinking I am a Cyclops or something because I have not yet found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. --- No trips in 2008 AT ALL. Not a Cyclops, lots of regrets about the road not taken in relation to men. I feel like I’m a decade behind. It took me a long time to get over all the bullshit in my life, and now I am ready to be myself, and know who I am. Now I have to find somebody to keep up.

In an attempt to have a rest of my life, I will take well care of myself. I will find a doctor I trust, and figure out what I need to change about what and how I eat, I will get a shrink, and a nutritionist, or a voodoo doll, or whatever else I have to do to feel and look better. --- Do I look like I know voodoo? I feel and look better. I found a doctor I trust. I went to a shrink. I went to a nutritionist. I changed the way I was eating.

I will forgive myself for my lack of professional ambition. I do not want to be in charge. I do not want to squander my potential, my intellect, my leadership abilities, and my emotional investment working for the man. I just wanna pump out some crap off my desk everyday, and get paid regularly. I do not want over time. I do not want anybody calling me at home. I do not want to pretend I give a flying fuck about work when I am not there because I don’t. I care about a lot of things the petty, inane intricacies of office politics do not make the list. --- Mission accomplished.

I will start writing every day again. --- I did not follow through on this one. I really changed a lot of the ways in which I handled conflict and demands upon my time. I worked really hard this year, but it was a lot of stuff it was too hard for me to write about as it was happening. Suffice to say I am even hotter shit than I was a year ago, and have successfully racked up several asses and names.

I will try to engage more in the world. I have been embarrassed about my finances, and my professional life, and my strained relationships with my family, so I have become a virtual hermit, so I do not have to risk people asking me about any of these things. --- I talk much less to my family and much more to others. I am working on finding new people for my life. I am learning to let go of I shoulds and to embrace I wants. I go to the shrink again now. It is helping me a lot.

I will cut myself at least as much slack as I would cut anyone else, and stop thinking I should have transformed my house into a palatial retreat by now. That is not true. This place was a freaking shit hole when I got here. There is so much more to do, but I am out of money for the moment, but I can still work on cleaning, and sorting through stuff, and I have already accomplished so much. --- I got more money. I did more stuff. I am getting it done baby, and I actually don’t hate this house anymore.

I will try to figure out how better to communicate my needs to people. I have always been a good friend. The kind of friend who will help you move. It has been tough for me to accept that people have not offered to help me with stuff at my house. And, I have been afraid to ask for fear they will say no. I am afraid I am not important to anyone. That I am not a priority to anyone. I am afraid that nobody good likes me. --- I was wrong on all fronts. There are plenty of people who support me, they are just not who I expected to be there supporting me. I had to change my expectations of the people in my life, let new people in, and come to terms with letting some people slip into my past.

I will take the CPA exam, and I am certain I will pass it. Then I will get my masters so I can get an adjunct position. I want to teach English 101, so I teach people to love words, and to see and feel their power. --- Survey says X. I have not done any of the above yet, but I have been writing in the course of my professional life. 2008 did not pan out how I planned at all. The CPA exam had to get back burnered but it is on my 2009 agenda.

I will forgive myself for my professional mistakes. It is ok that I do not ever intend to make a commitment to doing taxes, and that I never intended to stay at my last two jobs. It is ok that they did not like me. --- Yes, it is ok. I did not like them either. I was just using them for the paycheck.

I will start writing my book. --- Ah, so scary!