Monday, November 10, 2008

Ungrateful Wretch

Thanks to spending so much time being an unemployed loser in my recent past, I applied for and received approval for a home improvement loan program administered by my city. I applied almost a year ago, and finally it got to be my turn on the list. I am excited to get more large projects done around my house.

Unfortunately, I am apprehensive about having contractors in my house again. It drives me nuts having people in here not giving a shit if they let my cats out, and making a mess, and touching my stuff. Also, I am really pissed about something. See, this loan is subsidized, and the repayment period does not begin for awhile, but I do have to pay it back, and it does go against the equity in my house until I do. This does not bother me.

The fact that I have been informed that if I for some reason I am not comfortable with the lowest bidder, I must use that contractor anyway, or pay the difference between that bid and the next highest bidder. I think because it is money I will be paying back, I should be able to choose my contractor. Also, I am very picky. I bought out my sister on her half of this house after our parents died, and my quality of life and living conditions have really gone down since I moved here. Though this place a fucking deathtrap, and is mine, the condition it is in is not my doing.

I actually have pretty exacting standards for the quality of work I expect in my home. I am worried that with this loan program I will have to settle for half-assed. I feel like that is not fair to suck up my equity, and not be able to get what is important to me. Like not even getting kissed before I get bent over and fucked up the ass.

I am trying to come to terms with my ingratitude.

I am trying to figure out how to adequately express my concerns to the loan guy.

I am willing to forgo some of the projects until I am able to refinance my mortgage. So, I think I will reprioritize my list with him. Also, now that I have been working again for awhile, and despite the fact I can lose my grant-funded job any day now, I feel guilty about being in this loan program at all. I keep thinking that though I need help, there are other people who need more help.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Wow, America!

I am amazed. I am too cynical. I thought we were too racist. I thought we were too comfortable. I thought we were not paying attention. I thought we were doomed. I am excited to see what we will do next.

Just, wow, America, WOW!