Monday, October 23, 2006


My friend Sharky is like a sister to me. Like a real sister is supposed to be, like on TV, and in movies. Not like my real sisters who generally speaking wouldn't piss down my throat if my lungs were on fire, unless or course there was money in my throat, and they needed to put out the fire to get their grubby mitts on the cash. Sharky and me have been friends, our parents and older siblings claim, since we were fetuses. Sharky's been married to another one of my good friends, Sensei, for, lemme do the math, sixteen years. I met him a long time ago when he and Sharky were dating. He was a nice boy, now he is a nice man, and a really good Dad, and husband, and friend. Sharky's really cool, and a major freaking geek. She wears glasses, and has since I can remember. When we were little she always got in trouble for kicking the shit out of other kids. They had it coming. She is a soccer Mom who hates soccer Moms. Now that she is done breeding and lactating, she has gleefully returned to caffeine, chocolate and alcohol. She cracks me up with the rum and cokes because she gets buzzed off like half an ounce of rum in a 12-ounce glass over the course of an afternoon.

Sharky had a pretty crappy childhood too, worse than mine. Her parents got divorced when she was in grade school. Up until then her parents generally amused themselves by kicking the shit out of each other and their kids on a perpetual basis. Her Mom has really bad taste in men. Nowadays she is married to an abusive prick we all hate who occasionally puts her in the hospital. Sharky's Mom says he is sick and will die soon. She is sticking around for the money. Sharky's Dad is a creepy fucker. Since he got divorced the oldest woman he has dated that we know of was 25. He's almost seventy now. Still, likes the little girls. I keep and eye on him like a hawk around kids. He's pretty sick now too, so we have to keep an eye on him anyway and make sure he takes his medication, and doesn't have another heart attack. Sharky’s brother is kind of in charge of dealing with the parents. He does it best. He has always taken care of his sisters and took the brunt of a lot of the abuse when they were kids. He also took care of Sharky when we were in high school and her parents both decided they did not want to be parents anymore.

Having had such a tough time growing up, Sharky made up her mind she was going to be a good Mom and be there for her kids. Sharky and Sensei have four kids who are some of my favorite little people in the world, actually nowadays a couple of them are more like medium people then little people. They have Charlie who is in fifth grade, Lucy who is in third grade, Sally who is in kindergarten, and Linus who is too little for any school just yet. Their kids are such different people from each other, it is amazing to me to watch them grow up.

Charlie is very studious, and serious. He had ADD and takes medicine to go to school. I like him when he is off his meds. I think he is cool. It pisses me that to be in school kids are medicated instead of taught how to cope in school. It is not fair that kids have to feel like there is something wrong with them because they learn differently, and don’t conform to some Stepford child mold. He writes poems and stories that always surprise me that a kid wrote them. He is preternaturally aware of all that is going on around him.

Lucy cracks me up. We call her a Drama Empress because Queen does not do her justice. She is very bossy, and will lead other kids sown the garden path then narc on them for breaking the rules. It really is funny. We are waiting for her siblings and cousins to gang up and give her the ass kicking she has coming. She is also a very imaginative child, and tells the most fantastic stories. She is so loving and kind to animals, I cannot imagine what will happen the day she figures out where Big Macs come from. I remember the first time she came over my house and met my kitty. She lay down on the floor, and looked at him and introduced herself. It was really cute.

Sally is a rough tough cream puff. She smacks the crap out of Charlie and Lucy when there are no witnesses, allegedly. She is very funny, and very frank, and we are saving up money to bail her out of jail later in life. One day I made her cry. Over at Sharky’s house, there was a pretty big crowd hanging around, standing room only. All Sharky and Sensei’s siblings, and their spouses and kids were there. So, I am standing between Sally and something she wants, and she some up to me and says, "Can you please get your fat ass out of my way?" To which I replied, "HEY! That’s not nice!" She then burst into tears. It was all I and anyone else could do not to laugh our asses off when she first said it, but I rightly figured I ought to point out that "excuse me" will do in such situations.

Linus is absolutely adorable. He runs like the wind in the opposite direction every time you call him. He thinks it is freaking hilarious to take off his clothes every chance he gets. He is having a very good time refusing to be potty-trained right now. Peeing on the floor is way more fun. He can’t have a meal without checking to see if any of it is good for his skin, and hair. He loves worms, and likes to swing them around onto girl cousins because girl cousins make these really great screechy noises when you put worms on them.

When my Dad died Sharky was the first person I called. Sensei was a pallbearer. When my Mom died nine days later, they were the first people I called again. Sharky came with me to make the arrangements for my Mom. Church totally killed us all when my Dad died. We could not take watching another coffin going up and down all those stairs again. We had a nice service at the funeral home for my Mom where we could be much more irreverent. I do not remember much of anything about it at all, but my friends tell me it was nice. Sharky also made me feel a lot better about the whole crapfest about my birthday. I was so upset about it when my parents died, Sharky told me "Lana, sometimes my kids do stuff that make me want to peel off my skin and die, but I still love them all the time, and nothing they ever do could make me not love them. Your Mom and Dad love you like that too." Like I said, Sharky is pretty cool.

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