Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet, Give Me Something Good to Eat!

When I was a kid, I loved Halloween. I still think it is pretty cool. This year I am not going anywhere, but in general, I love the excuse to dress up in a slutty outfit and go out and have fun.

As a kid, in our house we were not allowed to eat junk. Halloween was like an orgy of sanctioned wickedness. One great perk to having much older siblings is that they are way cooler company for Trick or Treating. No "Mommy is cold", or "Daddy has to go to work." It is more like "Hey lets go home and get another pillow case." My brother took me, and we went all over the place. Blocks and blocks from home. We came home with pillowcases, yes that is right, pillowcases plural, of candy. He always got these great masks for himself. He had a werewolf one year. Chicks loved this, which pissed me off, all those girls all over him really slowed me down. My brother was the first boy slut I ever met. I could never understand why girls liked him since he was my brother and I knew what a retard he was. Then when I got old enough to like boys I figured it had something to do with the wash board abs, the blue eyes and blond hair, the whole genuine bad boy thing, the motor cycle, the pot, and all that other naughty stuff he did. He also had this Incredible Hulk mask that he hid around the house and used to scare the crap out of me year round, see I told you he was a retard. I liked to go as a princess, or a fairy, but one year I dressed up in this really great zombie get up complete with scars and blood and everything. Way cool.

Now that I am an alleged adult, I like to give out candy to kids, but it is not like it used to be when I was little. Only people who really know you come to your house now. I cannot imagine how hard it is for parents these days. There are so many people who are sick and want to hurt kids in some way, if I had kids I would need serious drugs to even be able to let them out of the house. When I lived in the city in an apartment, we did not give out candy. The only "kids" who came trick or treating were six feet tall, and wore gang colors. Yo, mother fucker, go steal a radio and buy your own fucking candy. Some people do not celebrate Halloween at all. I do not get this. Some people who are my friends do not celebrate Halloween, I have tried to talk them out of this, but they disagree. My main Friend Who Hates Halloween disapproves on religious grounds because Halloween is a pagan holiday and celebrates the devil. Now seriously, how can the devil have anything to with something so heavenly as free Kit Kats?

Our family is Irish Catholic, so we are all hot on any excuse to party, eat stuff that is bad for us, and dress up like idiots to boot. Once upon a time long, long ago in a land far, far away there was a pagan holiday at this time of year for Mickorific people like myself. It is a harvest celebration as developed in all pagan cultures. When Catholicism decided they needed to convert all the soulless heathens they co-opted a lot of pagan rituals in order to make Catholicism appealing to the unwashed masses. So, as a Catholic, I understood that Halloween is a religious holiday. You see, November first is All Saints Day. On the way to church, on all Hallows Eve, for midnight mass for All Saints Day, the faithful wore costumes to scare away highwaymen. My Mom was so proud of me when I discussed this earnestly with my friend I mentioned above who refuses to let her children be little devil worshippers in the name of candy. Turns out all that tuition my parents spent on Catholic school might have actually paid off.

No comments: