Thursday, October 12, 2006


I was watching Dr. 90210 on E! last night. This of course brought to mind my intermittent obsession with my boobs. I have had a love hate relationship with them since the miracle of puberty bestowed them upon me. In my family I got the recessive boob gene. I am thinking it might skip a generation since most of my nieces are also seriously stacked.

My Mom claimed to be the only flat chested fat lady in the history of the world. Both my Grandmas had big boobs. My Dad had big boobs too, but not ucky man boobies. He was a big fat guy, but he had more like body builder boobies than man boobies. My parents said it was a good thing I got my Mom’s nose and my Dad’s boobs, and not vice versa.

My older sisters teased me about my boobs. My oldest sister told me boys do not like big boobs and nobody would ever love me. As if a boy liking your boobs means he likes you. Turns out I've managed to meet a man or two who liked me and my ugly boobs.

I have wanted a boob job forever, and told my parents since I was a freshman in high school that they needed to get their asses in gear and make some money so they could leave me money for a boob job in their wills. I still have not had a boob job. Seems like I have frittered away all the money I ever have gotten my hands on for frivolous crap like a college education, home renovations, and other immature stuff.

What I want to do to my boobs, is make them smaller and higher. I vaguely remember having perky boobs. It takes a village to hold these puppies up nowadays. God bless America, apple pie, and under wire bras. My boobs are not freakishly humongous, just a little too big. Since I played a musical instrument for years, not only can I talk incessantly without taking a breath, but I also have good posture which helps me not have back pain that a lot of women who are similarly endowed suffer.

I know a lot of women who have had either a breast augmentation or reduction. I am planning to get a boob job for my mid life crisis, if I can find someone I trust to do it. I am worried about how the surgery needs to be done. If you want bigger boobs, they can stick them in up through your belly button, of through your armpits and if you get high grade implants that are appropriate for your body type, and follow your surgeons care instructions, you can get some really nice looking and feeling boobs. Breast reductions and lifts are a lot more involved, take a lot more skill, and can be royally screwed up much easier.

To get smaller and higher boobs they have to cut out your nipples, and cut out some skin below where you used to keep your nipples. The surgery can be done a few different ways. The one I most understand is similar in my mind to a tummy tuck. Basically they cut out around your nipple, push everything up, poke a hole through the pushed up bits for your nipple to show through, cut off extra stuff at the bottom, and then sew the edges or your areola to the new hole they poked through. I am not worried about scars. I have other scars in other places for other reasons. The thing that deters me besides the whole unnecessary surgery, man this is really freaking vain, and this shit costs more than my roof stuff is the whole POSSIBLE LOSS OF NIPPLE SENSATION. My nipples are sensational baby, and I like ‘em like that. Man, gravity sucks.

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