Friday, August 24, 2007

Everybody Poops

This morning once again, I am up at O’dark thirty. I cannot find the elusive Unisom anywhere. I think maybe it is one of those drugs the pharmacy holds now, you know like the Sudafed. Perhaps there is some sort of street drug one can fabricate using the Unisom as well. As I sat on the edge of my bathtub shaving my legs, yes shaving my legs, let it not be said that I do not use my time wisely, I realized something. It occurred to me that I woke up today at 4:20 AM, as I have every day for weeks, no matter when I fell asleep. Being a great believer not only in divine intervention, but that you also subconsciously know the solution to all your problems, I am thinking maybe I am supposed to become a pothead.

I have also observed many other things as I have enjoyed my most recent bout of insomnia. First of all, I realize that over the past few months I have really scaled back on my contributions to my cable company’s bottom line by canceling my $9,827,236 per month cable modem internet service, and progressively decreasing my channel selection down to the dreaded "family" package. It was just taking up too much of my time to surf through thousands of channels all day while simultaneously looking at porn and trying to bring up my church bulletin on the internet. Now I have plenty of time to do funky stuff like sleep, alas, I am not sleeping. While I realize that I now have only approximately 100 television channels, I am mystified as to why nearly all of them play the dreaded "paid programming" all night long. Perhaps everyone has been reduced to the depths of sorrow known as "family"cable and the cable company really needs to drum up revenue.

In my opinion, the Dual Cleanse guy really looks like the kind of person I would think would be into poop. Who dresses these infomercial people anyway? I must say though, I am a purist, I think the SoloFlex guy was way hotter than the AbRail guy. Having decided I no longer need to put the Dolan family through college, I of course do not have Showtime, and will not be watching one of my vintage era hotties, David Duchovny, in Californication. I sure do like going retro and watching those old X-Files episodes though. According to my unscientific television research the world is full of STD ridden, fat ass, acne prone, stupid young women with no shirt on lovin', classic rock fans. I am totally going to break down and buy that Singers and Songwriters series one night.

I am going to go back to bed, Angel is on. Before I go; America, please keep your legs and mouths, and other various orifices closed for Christ’s sake! I am sick of the herpasyphilaids treatment commercials you sluts.

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