Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Access Denied

Crapsaplenty! Man, I was all set to embark on my new and improved frugal life of taking mooching to new heights, when I went to Starbucks today. Apparently, the Internet access is freely available, not free. What kinda freaking scam is that? Geez, you’d think for $50.00 a cup for the coffee, there would be some perks. Ha, ha, perks, get it? Hee, hee, hee.

So apparently, I am going to be spending a lot of time at the library. This sucks because I cannot slurp back overpriced caffeine laden beverages there. Also, people who mumble to themselves and laugh out loud like I do tend to be asked to adjourn to the homeless shelter across the street. So I will have to be uncharacteristically quiet. I also hate the bathrooms there. They are pretty low rent. And they have this vague smell, like they got too wet, and never dried out, plus, the aforementioned mumbling laughers like to bathe in there. Finally, all the chairs hurt my butt. Seriously, would it be so tough to get some ergonomic seating? What the fuck are they doing with the exorbitant taxes I pay in this town anyway?

Since I am complaining about how the town spends my tax dollars, I want to take a moment to say we seriously need an upgrade with the firemen and policemen. They all look like freaking Barney Fife. We need some hotties in these uniforms. It is not like we have any real crime or carnage. Would it kill them to get some camera ready personnel in the civil services of the city, huh, would it? Also, I am 5’4" and I find it very difficult to have any faith in a man who I can take in a fight, gun or no. I thought there was some kind of height requirement. Talk about lowering standards. Lower, get it, huh, huh.

I know a couple other places where I can use free Internet. I am bummed because all the wifi I could access from the comfort and privacy of my couch is secured, so I need to be creative. Tomorrow, I am going to go to the beach, and see if maybe some of the rich bastards who live there have an unsecured network I can use surreptitiously. Either way it will make me look busy as I chat up the hard bodies who wind surf at dawn before slogging off to Wall Street. I love summer.

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