Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Lookin’ for Love in all the Wrong Places

I am not 25, tall, thin, blonde, or compliant. This apparently makes my chances of finding a man I take seriously and who takes me seriously slim to none. To that end, I succumbed to one of the bazillion commercials for eHarmony, and filled out the personality questionnaire.

After I signed up, I started communicating for free. That went all right for the most part. I decided to actually sign up for a membership. Then I started seeing these commercials for Chemistry.com talking about how they don’t reject people like eHarmony does. Well, then I had to check into this. Seems that some people get a rejection letter after they fill out the umptybillion questions in the personality questionnaire saying they do not fit into any of the profile types eHarmony has, and therefore there is not a way to successfully match them up.

Then of course, gay people can’t use eHarmony at all, so they do not even get to fill out the umpteen questions. So, all this really bothered me once I thought about it. Having always know gay and lesbian people I am a proponent of gay rights, and so I am kind of ashamed of myself for being so short sighted as to sign up for a dating service that thinks gay people apparently are not entitled to relationships.

And then, I was upset because I like to cling to the notion that I am a beloved, unique and precious child of God. Well, apparently I am pretty run of the mill since I conform to the profiles on eHarmony. This really irks me. All my life I have been a weirdo, raging against the machine, griping about the Man, and now I am just another rat in a maze. Oh, the humanity!

But, hey, I am busy working on the whole anti-social misfit thing, so the idea of trolling for men in the comfort and privacy of my own couch appeals to me. When I signed up, I figured that it couldn’t be any weirder than becoming acquainted with men in "real" life. I was wrong.

The system matches you with people, and then you read their "introduction" where you find out basic stats and answers to some questions. Apparently the twenty nine dimensions as scored through the umptybillion questions found that rabid Christians are the right kind of guy for me. Maybe the computer thinks I need someone to pray for me.

When it comes to men, I have some definite preferences. I do not feel bad about them at all, as there are plenty of men who have preferences that exclude me. So fuck them for hating my fat ass, its not like I’d date someone whom isn’t tall enough to ride a roller coaster anyway.

I really seriously do not like short men. I am thinking of putting a hash mark on my bedroom doorframe at 5’10" that says, "you must be this tall to ride this ride." While I respect peoples’ rights to religious zealotry, I do not find it hot and sexy. Further, I find the ability to master the basic tenets of the English language intensely alluring. If I do not have to speak slowly using small words, there is a pretty safe bet I want to have you babies, metaphorically speaking. As long as you do not already have babies, or a wife, or a drinking or drug problem.

The matching thing really gets on my nerves sometimes. Even though they ask questions about height, age, etc., I am getting matched with men who are way too old, way too young, have kids, or are short. So, I am often frustrated by the fact that I am getting matched with all these pygmy Jesus freaks.

The religious guys really scare me. They quote bible passages in their ‘what I’m looking for in a mate" section. Being an Internet savvy chicky momma, I go and look them up, mostly to try to convince myself I am wrong, and am remembering the wrong citation. But nope, these guys all want obedient wives who are strong in their walk with the Lord, and will submit to their will. Yeah, right Jethro, good luck with that, I think you need to try the mail order bride catalog.

I have become quite the smart-ass as well in my running commentary as I use eHarmony. When you close matches, or a match closes you, there is a list of little messages to send. Since there is not a "you are a freaking scary ass religious nut case" choice, I check the one about us having values that don’t match up. The other day I got a match who had posted some pictures of himself. From the photos it was apparent he has transposed the digits of his age, perhaps because he had not fully recovered from the thrashing he received from the ugly stick. He closed out his match with me because "he wanted to pursue another relationship." When I read that I said "yeah, right, with your hand." So maybe I do need those Jesus freaks to pray for me.

Now in a similar yet different league than the god squad are the flat out scary dudes. Every time I read one of their profiles I have visions of myself in a pit clutching an annoying dog while some dipshit with a speech impediment and a mangina screams "it rubs the lotion on its skin." So, I think I am going to have to peel my ass off the couch and go back to meeting men the old fashioned way.

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