Monday, January 21, 2008

Bless Me Father

For I Have Sinned.

God, as you know, it has been nearly twenty-four years since my last confession. You know this is because;

1) I am still performing the penance the priest gave me the last time I went.

2) You know I decided a long time ago that I do not need anybody to intercede with you when I want to reflect on my sins.

3) You know I am not sorry for most of the stuff the church thinks I should be.

So, at any rate these are my sins, except, maybe I am not sorry, and they are pretty bad.

Last time, I told the priest, and he told you, that I hated someone. Now, to your credit, you told Father Jerry to ask me why I hated this person. How is father Jerry by the way? He was very good with dealing with high school freshmen about to embark on the commitment of Confirmation to Catholicism. I have not seem or heard of him since he was shuffled off to wherever he got sent when he decided he wanted to be a husband more than he wanted to keep an arcane vow. You told the priest to tell me that my penance is to have an open and forgiving heart, and to not waste my time hating someone I cannot change, or being angry about things that are not my fault. Father Jerry told me that I cannot change people, I can only change how I let them affect me. As you know I struggle very hard to this day. As you also know, I no longer hate this person, but it is still hard to love them most of the time.

I have been doing all this work to try to figure out what to do with myself now that I am an orphan, and do not have parents to horrify, embarrass, or be disapproved of by anymore. I think other people might think it is a sin that I feel this way. Even though I still have not really figured out what to do with myself now that I am no longer responsible for other people, it is such a relief now that I do not feel like I have to be in charge anymore. It is like my parents dying was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. In a lot of ways I feel like I can finally live my life. I have no fucking idea what I want to do, but I can do it. Oh, by the way, I still have a really bad potty mouth. I felt so trapped by what I felt obligated to do for and with my family before my parents died. I tried for awhile after they died too. Then it occurred to me that since I was the only one working so hard to be a family, maybe being a family was not so important. Things are better now. We are a family, we do care about each other, and we realize that we are not perfect. I think in a lot of ways we are closer because we do not feel like we are betraying our parents when we talk to each other about the bad stuff, and it brings us closer to remember the good stuff.

As you know, I really loved my Mom and Dad. I am so happy, and so lucky that by the time they died we had a very functional, very evolved, and very rewarding relationship. I would wish this kind of peace of mind to everyone in the world if I could. Sure, some stuff still pisses me off, or mystifies me, but we did talk about it, and we did move on. But, it is probably a sin how much easier I feel holidays are now. Those two were such fucking royal pains in the ass to deal with when it came to any special occasion. It seemed like any celebration of any kind exacerbated and amplified their every passive-aggressive tendency. Like, refusing to decorate, shop, cook, or in any way prepare for anything, show up late at my house to eat, collect gifts, and make a mess, then complain about everything, argue, and generally make me wish I had moved further away. Things got better after I resigned as the family party planner. After the first holiday when they called my bluff and found out that I shit them not, things were actually a lot of fun. We stopped trying to do what we were "supposed" to be doing to celebrate, and just had some fun.

Sometimes I am so sick of someone. I feel like I want to hurt her. I think about pummeling her, and kicking her, and smacking the ever-loving shit out of her. I feel like it is a tie between her and the one I hated for all the fucked up shit I have had to deal with in my life. Of course, as you know God, the others have given them a run for their money, but for sheer volume these two are neck in neck. I just step back when I need to. These borderline homicidal urges are fleeting, and I would never fulfil them, but it bothers me that I feel that way. I feel like I should be more compassionate, or get the hell over it or something. When the people in my life disappoint and hurt me, it opens up every old wound and all the old hurts and disappointments come flooding back.

I wish I had Bill Gates’ money so I could just buy all the houses on my block and keep everybody in my family warm and fed and clothed, but I don’t and it is hard to feel so helpless.

God, you know I will not let my family members come live with me. God, you know I secretly like people despite all my protests to the contrary. You know I actually am fine living, vacationing, and otherwise cohabiting with others, as long as they are not free loading relatives. So, is it a sin that I do not feel even a little bad about all this? My life here in my deathtrap money pit is okay. I hate the mess, and I get stalled a lot with the work, but it is mine, and I do not want to share.

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