Fearless Feline

My cat, Mon Petit Amour, has a kitty, Girly Kitty, who is not the sharpest knife in the furry drawer. This cat is just flat out not wired right.

She takes running leaps at door frames, and then hangs upside down from them, all the while screaming like her non existent balls are in a vice.

She jumps in the shower with me and then sits there and tries to lick the water off her fur while trying to hide behind me to protect her from the water.

She cannot figure out how to open stuff like most cats do. She cannot get into the cat food, even though it is out in the open and not sealed. She just paws at the bag and whines until Mon Petit Amour comes along and spills it for her. All the while they have food in their dishes, mind you.

Every time I open a door she goes running through it like she is late to pick up her lottery winnings. This is funny when she goes in the basement and walks along the joists and gets on top of the duct work, then cries for me to come get her because she cannot get down. This is not funny when she decides to run outside.

She is, as I said, STUPID, and an indoor only cat, so it scares the crap out of me. But, I should not worry because coupled with her mental midgetry is an abject fear of grass, apparently. Last week, she escaped just as I was running out the door to work. As soon as she hit the grass; she started to screech, and do that idiot cat thing where they lift up one paw at a time and shake it, then put it right back down in the stuff they were trying to shake off. I grabbed her quickly and stuck her clueless little body back in the house. It was not until I got to work that I realized I had muddy little paw prints all over the chest area of my blouse. Purrty, huh?

Today, her complete cluelessness in the ways of the cat has once again cracked me up. What with the apparent monsoon season here, things are damp. This has created a hospitable environment for the occasional pest thingys. So, my dippy kitty is sitting on the entertainment center, where she is not supposed to be, licking the vase of flowers she is not supposed to touch, when she notices a bug thingy on the wall. My furry little dipshit takes a running leap and bonks her head on the wall. Undeterred, she again attempts to get closer. When she does, the bug moves, and my poor little huntress cowers in fear and runs to her Mommy to save her from the evil invader. As I stroke her fur, and tell her how much I love my little ding-dong wimpy Girly Kitty, I wonder if they sell helmets for cats. I think she needs to be wearing one all the time.