Friday, January 2, 2009

Hello 2009

2008 was a hell of a year. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I made a lot of changes.


At the beginning of 2008 I made some resolutions. This year, as 2009 dawns, resolutions, we don’t need no stinking resolutions.


Here’s how 2008’s resolutions panned out.

Lay off the soda. I will stop drinking so much soda, and I will not start drinking too much juice or chocolate milk instead. --- Done, done, and done. Also, I stopped drinking diet soda and started drinking the high-octane stuff when I do drink soda. Turns out diet soda tricks your body, and does nothing to deplete the fatness of your ass.


I will go someplace where I need my passport. --- Well, did not do this one. But I did need my passport for ID, twice.


I will try to find somebody to go some place I need my passport with me. If not, I will go by myself, and stop thinking I am a Cyclops or something because I have not yet found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. --- No trips in 2008 AT ALL. Not a Cyclops, lots of regrets about the road not taken in relation to men. I feel like I’m a decade behind. It took me a long time to get over all the bullshit in my life, and now I am ready to be myself, and know who I am. Now I have to find somebody to keep up.


In an attempt to have a rest of my life, I will take well care of myself. I will find a doctor I trust, and figure out what I need to change about what and how I eat, I will get a shrink, and a nutritionist, or a voodoo doll, or whatever else I have to do to feel and look better. --- Do I look like I know voodoo? I feel and look better. I found a doctor I trust. I went to a shrink. I went to a nutritionist. I changed the way I was eating.


I will forgive myself for my lack of professional ambition. I do not want to be in charge. I do not want to squander my potential, my intellect, my leadership abilities, and my emotional investment working for the man. I just wanna pump out some crap off my desk everyday, and get paid regularly. I do not want over time. I do not want anybody calling me at home. I do not want to pretend I give a flying fuck about work when I am not there because I don’t. I care about a lot of things the petty, inane intricacies of office politics do not make the list. --- Mission accomplished.


I will start writing every day again. --- I did not follow through on this one. I really changed a lot of the ways in which I handled conflict and demands upon my time. I worked really hard this year, but it was a lot of stuff it was too hard for me to write about as it was happening. Suffice to say I am even hotter shit than I was a year ago, and have successfully racked up several asses and names.

I will try to engage more in the world. I have been embarrassed about my finances, and my professional life, and my strained relationships with my family, so I have become a virtual hermit, so I do not have to risk people asking me about any of these things. --- I talk much less to my family and much more to others. I am working on finding new people for my life. I am learning to let go of I shoulds and to embrace I wants. I go to the shrink again now. It is helping me a lot.

I will cut myself at least as much slack as I would cut anyone else, and stop thinking I should have transformed my house into a palatial retreat by now. That is not true. This place was a freaking shit hole when I got here. There is so much more to do, but I am out of money for the moment, but I can still work on cleaning, and sorting through stuff, and I have already accomplished so much. --- I got more money. I did more stuff. I am getting it done baby, and I actually don’t hate this house anymore.


I will try to figure out how better to communicate my needs to people. I have always been a good friend. The kind of friend who will help you move. It has been tough for me to accept that people have not offered to help me with stuff at my house. And, I have been afraid to ask for fear they will say no. I am afraid I am not important to anyone. That I am not a priority to anyone. I am afraid that nobody good likes me. --- I was wrong on all fronts. There are plenty of people who support me, they are just not who I expected to be there supporting me. I had to change my expectations of the people in my life, let new people in, and come to terms with letting some people slip into my past.

I will take the CPA exam, and I am certain I will pass it. Then I will get my masters so I can get an adjunct position. I want to teach English 101, so I teach people to love words, and to see and feel their power. --- Survey says X. I have not done any of the above yet, but I have been writing in the course of my professional life. 2008 did not pan out how I planned at all. The CPA exam had to get back burnered but it is on my 2009 agenda.


I will forgive myself for my professional mistakes. It is ok that I do not ever intend to make a commitment to doing taxes, and that I never intended to stay at my last two jobs. It is ok that they did not like me. --- Yes, it is ok. I did not like them either. I was just using them for the paycheck.

I will start writing my book. --- Ah, so scary!

2 comments:

Plain(s)feminist said...

I will try to figure out how better to communicate my needs to people. I have always been a good friend. The kind of friend who will help you move. It has been tough for me to accept that people have not offered to help me with stuff at my house. And, I have been afraid to ask for fear they will say no. I am afraid I am not important to anyone. That I am not a priority to anyone. I am afraid that nobody good likes me. --- I was wrong on all fronts. There are plenty of people who support me, they are just not who I expected to be there supporting me. I had to change my expectations of the people in my life, let new people in, and come to terms with letting some people slip into my past.

Wow, that rings so true for me. It's humbling and surprising to see who is there to support you, isn't it?

Lana Wood said...

Yes, very much so. I still am awed by it, and still not sure what shocked me more, who showed up, or who didn't.

I hope you are feeling well, and that you anti fungal that ringworm back to the stone age.