Blah, Blah, Blah

Well, it has been over a month since I sat down to write. I have a bad habit. I try to bargain with myself. I put off what I would really like to be doing in order to do what I think I should be doing. I am working at changing this.

So I don’t write, or repolish my nails, or go hang out at the beach, or "waste time" going through my e-mail and phone messages and keep in touch with people who love me because I think I should be further along with renovating this house.

I’ve had many things I’ve wanted to write about, including my Dad. I’ve known for awhile exactly what I wanted to write about for Father’s Day, but I just could not do it. I will write it soon.

Things have been coming at me from every angle lately, and I just feel like I should be handling them more deftly. Like a lot of people who have come through a lot of discord, I have little patience with myself in the face of lesser difficulties.

In spite of not having even come close to getting this house done, and not really being able to afford it, I ran away from home. I decided one day a couple weeks ago to book a hotel, and rent a car and buy a plane ticket and go see Holly Hobby and Psycho and their kids. Minnie the Mooch took care of Mon Petit Amour and Girly Kitty while I was gone. I am so glad I went. I really needed to visit with them. All the things I feel upset about in regard to my sisters have not gone away, but it was important to me to be reminded of all the things that don’t upset, and truly comfort me.

On a whim, I decided to put a personal ad on a web site. I attracted quite a few freaks, and not the kind of freaks I want to attract. There was one who really interested me, but I was too shy to call him. I just think it is not a ladylike thing to do. Then again I did not give him my number because he could be an articulate axe murderer after all. So, I’m still single, and probably will be forever at this rate.

I also settled a lawsuit I had to pursue as the Executrix of my Mom’s estate, and anticipate going out of the Executrix business for good any day now. We have had a lot of issues with the health of my parent’s dogs. Both the White Witch and the Mutt Doggy are seriously ill, and they don’t have Medicare and Blue Cross for geezer dogs. Most likely we will have to euthanize them both in the coming months, but, for now, they are comfortable and happy. I have been surprised how upset I feel about this.

Also surprising is how I feel about Holly Hobby and her husband recently deciding to get divorced, which they are doing remarkably amicably. All I am really worried about is that my sister is financially safe. They are not at all financially stable. I tell her that it is a big deal, but when push comes to shove, marriage is a binding legal agreement, and ending it should be looked at as a business decision as well. It is important for her to establish credit, protect her retirement, and come to an agreement how to handle existing debts and the miniscule equity in their house. We all know it is a good idea for them to get divorced. They do not hate each other, but they have no business being married to each other. A little unmarried marriage counselor advice; you have to communicate with your spouse. A marriage is like a garden. You have to tend it. If you don’t it gets overrun with pests and weeds, and all the beautiful things wither, and the ugly things thrive.

Finally, I have had a lot on my mind about work. If I am asked, I always say this job sucks much less than any other job I have had in a long time. I still have some frustrations. It is a very small office, and while all the people are pleasant enough, I don’t have anybody my own age to play with. I really thought when I took the job that I would have health insurance as of May first, and that I would be working part time, approximately 30 hours a week when it was not tax season. Well, my boss is dragging his heels about the insurance, and I am usually getting 14, sometimes 25 or so hours a week. I flat out cannot pay even my mortgage on 14 hours a week. I am paid fairly by the hour; it is just not enough hours. So now I need to get a second job, or quit this one, and I am not eager to pursue either choice. And I am having a lot of doubts and frustrations about changing career trajectory in the summer of 2005 on the cusp of turning 36. Humility is not my strong suit, and it is tough starting over.

So, I am going to try to start writing everyday again, and try to get my shit together or at least more cleverly arrange it.