Sunday, May 13, 2007

Today Sucks

Mostly, I love my Mom and Dad, and they died about three years ago, and that sucks, but I am a grown up, and shit happens and in the scheme of things, when it comes to the death of a loved one, the fact your parents will die is a pretty safe bet in life. Sometimes I remember things about them that infuriated me about them. Sometimes I remember things that I loved about them. When I catch myself making a gesture, or using an expression I picked up from them, I smile.

For the past few days I have been mad at my Mom. It did not occur to me until very late last night that I was just trying to convince myself that I did not miss her and Mother’s Day is no big deal. I am full of shit. I miss my Mom sometimes, so palpably and so terribly that I need to catch my breath. I have been exhausted today. Today I had planned to get up early, and go to church for 7AM mass, and then go to the cemetery. Well, I was up early, but it took me until almost 10 o’clock to actually manage to take a shower and dress myself, and go outside. At the cemetery I was aware that there were a lot of other people there in a similar state.

My Mom died the day after we buried my Dad. I was surprised my Dad died as soon as he did, and more surprised that my Mom survived so long. Dorky and insane as it sounds I believe that she decided it was finally ok to die after she buried my Dad. I, and several close people in my life, am absolutely convinced that my Dad "hung around," for lack of a better way to say it, and waited for her. We all believed we felt him there. After my Mom died, a lot of us believed our parents "stopped by" to visit us and check on us for awhile. Many of us had the exact same dream about my parents, laughing and smiling and happy and dancing. Until all this happened, I was sure people who "believed" such crap were at worst nut cases and at best deeply grieving people who had profound and vivid memories of loved ones. It is one of the sweetest things I believe about my parents, that even when they died, they stuck together.

I was upset and overwhelmed when my Dad died, due in large part to the fact that I had no idea how I was going to take care of my Mom without him to help me. I was terrified I would forget how to work the oxygen tank, or that I might actually kill one of my sisters without him to tell me to get over myself and them to get the fuck out of my way. When my Mom died, we decided to do things a little differently than when my Dad died because church freaking killed us, to watch the coffin go down the funeral home stairs and up and down the church stairs was vile. Church mass did nothing to comfort anyone. So, when my Mom died we had calling hours for people to come visit with her. Another thing, by the way, I thought was pretty fucked up until my parents died, now I get it.

After her wake, my Mom was cremated and we had a memorial service. It was nice. Lots of my Mom’s friends were able to come. I was so upset because I had not been able to write out something to say about my Mom. I had so much I wanted to say, and I could not organize my thoughts or breathe or think. I had made a list of things I wanted to talk about. I still have the list. I do not remember what I said at all. I remember crying, and feeling like I was going to pass out, and looking up at the people there, and noticing they looked like they thought I was going to pass out too. I have no idea what I said. My friends and my sister tell me it made sense and I was very well-spoken, but I think they are just being nice. And, really, what kind of asshole would tell you if you fucked up your Mother's eulogy? But I feel very guilty about it. My Mommy was very special and very smart, and all kinds of other wonderful things, and I just feel awful that I still cannot figure out how to communicate all that to anybody.

1 comment:

Lori said...

My mom is terminally ill and expected to die in the next day or two. What you communicated here was very helpful. And very real. Thank you for being so real. It's helped me with my difficult feelings, and I appreciate that so much.