Sunday, October 2, 2011

What A Difference A Day Makes

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was send a message to some of my family and friends, literally before I even got out of bed.

This is most of what I said;

I need to talk, too much for one person right now. 

I just woke up with my heat racing. I had hoped some sleep would help. But it has not.  I am just utterly terrified. I have no idea what to do next. 

I have been keeping all of this to myself. That is als, why I have kind of dropped out of society, and not really seen or spoken to a lot of you in a long time. I think of you all very often, and wish that I was better at all this lovey dovey stuff. 

If you have any ideas, I would appreciate them.

If you could just swing by my house and give me a hug and let me know you still love me anyway, that would help. I would like that. If you are far away, maybe we could talk? 

I have been out of work for thirteen and a half months. 

That is awful and terrifying.

I was laid off. I did not get fired. I worked really hard and busted my butt. 

I am so scared.

I worked so hard on my house, and now I am afraid of losing it.

Right now I feel paralyzed by fear.

Right now I have no idea how I will ever find a job, not to mention one that will cover that mortgage and all the money I owe for all the things I have been delaying “until” I get a job. 

It has been forever since I had a haircut.

I cannot afford food.

I cannot imagine where I would go if I lost my house.

I just wish I could just have some breathing room, and exhale for a minute. 

I feel very alone in the world right now.

I am heartbroken.

I feel so beat down by these circumstances, and like I will never escape.

Some ideas…

I have actually been feeling some traction in the job search. After I get a job, maybe I can just get a pay through the nose, don’t even kiss me, interest only mortgage for a short period of time to get rid of this current mortgage company.

Maybe if I get a job, the probate judge will tell the mortgage company to fuck off on my behalf if they try to foreclose. 

Maybe I should just give up, and leave the country and never look back

Maybe HAMP can help me. Too bad the mortgage company still hasn’t sent the info even though I asked for it over a month ago. 

Maybe I can sell the house and pay off all I owe, and at least start with a clean slate. 

Maybe if I get a job, I can get a $10,000 loan to fund the full escrow account, and then get the probate judge to rescind the account. 

Maybe I will figure it all out. 

Oh, just writing this helped. 

TRULY, besides the whole financial terror, I feel like I am doing great. I lost a lot of weight, and feel so different. I want to lose more, but had to put the little Medifast meals on hold for the financial crunch. I still exercise, and try to eat sensibly. (You can get food from the food pantry, but no Medifast there.) 

There is always a lot to do at the house, but I have made great strides. It actually looks like a house in most places. I am really proud of all I have accomplished.

I am very eager to go back to school, to pick up a course I need to take the CPA exams. 

I hope you are all well, and know I am thinking of you, and would like to be in more regular touch with you.

What a differnce a day makes.  I am going to bed now, reassured my unemployed mortgage company hating ass is loved, sure I will once again become an employed person sooner than later, and determined I am living in MY house forever.

Today was a good day.  

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