Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's Been a Long Day This Year

At the time my Mom and Dad ingeniously became simultaneously terminally ill, I was working full time, going to school full time, and had been happily living on my own for years, in a near freakishly clean little apartment that was flooded with sunlight and surrounded by flowers, beautiful water views, and all kinds of nice people and their pets I enjoyed seeing everyday. Like a Tale of Two Cities, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" to take care of my parents while they slowly disintegrated. It really sucked, but I learned a lot. I enjoyed spending time with my Mom and Dad. I believe preparing for a person’s life to end is just as sacred, and worthy of celebration as preparing for a life to begin.

Since my parents died four years ago, I have been angry with myself when something upsets me. I keep thinking I went through this really difficult and life alerting experience. I only had the strength to do it because I had worked, and they had worked, so hard to forge a good and functional relationship despite all the things that went so terribly wrong in my childhood. I keep thinking if I can do that, nothing else should phase me, but I feel like everything phases me.

This money pit death trap house is taking forever to clear out and fix. When I bought it two years ago, I figured it would take me five to whip it into shape. But, I am sick of living like I am camping in my own house with a health department nightmare for kitchen. I am so angry with my sister for all the filth and debris she left here after languishing here for nearly two years without paying the bills as agreed. I am so angry with her for all she did not do to help our parents. I feel like I am not important to her and my other sisters. I feel fundamentally and profoundly lonesome for the familial relationships that apparently never existed.

I want to feel like I am important to someone, like I matter, like I come FIRST. But, feel like I am an aforethought. I feel so distant from people I thought were my friends. When my parents died of course lots of people came to help in lots of ways. But, I need people to be with me for good stuff too. You know, it really is pretty hot shit that I went ahead and brought this albatross house all by myself. It really is pretty hot shit that I graduated from college on the dean’s list. It really is hot shit what I have done with my career. It really is hot shit all the many positive things I have accomplished. I feel like nobody noticed. I really wish I felt like I had people in my life who understand what is important to me, and notice when something that I think is special happens.

So, I have been hiding out. I have not been spending time with the people who I know love me because I do not feel understood. It is easier to be alone than to risk finding out these people are not who I thought they were. I am terrified nobody knows me, and nobody wants to know me. I really thought I would have had all this all figured out by now.

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