Friday, November 10, 2006

Phobia


While I have been settling into being the proud owner of a construction site, I have been on an unplanned and much needed hiatus from working. I had a job where I was unhappy and was fortunate enough to be laid off a few months ago. I am incredibly, terrifyingly good at what I do for a living. I am too smart for my own good, and understand too much. There really was not enough for me to do at my job, so I was laid off for "lack of work." I always feel uncomfortable at work, as I always feel like a lot of people are waiting around for me to fuck something up, and the more I do not fuck up, the more hostile they become. This of course does not bode well for my enthusiasm to get my ass out of bed and go to work. I am sure that the door of displeasure swings both ways, and am at a complete loss as to how to change how I feel and function at work in order for it to not suck so much. This time away from work has been a wonderful time for me, so much so, that I have more than once wanted to write a thank you note to the man who fired me. I have been trying to decide what I want to do about my career. Undoubtedly, I need to go back to work in order to support my ridiculous habit of living indoors with heat and all.

Unfortunately I have realized I am afraid to go to work. I find job interviews to be utterly humiliating and dehumanizing. My complete failure to master even the basics of work place obsequiousness has led me to have a complete lack of confidence in my ability to ever get a job that does not suck huge donkey dick every day. I do not want to ever be in the position where I feel I cannot defend myself for fear of losing a job again. But, in the work place, telling people who desperately need it to go fuck themselves is career suicide. I have no idea why bullies are tolerated in the work place. I have no idea what purpose they serve except to drive the truly talented and capable out the door. I have no idea why it is the norm and the expectation to aspire to mediocrity and gleefully fall short. I have no idea how I will ever function in a working environment again. Things have never been easy for me at work. I have no patience for all the inherent junior high school level of social interaction that life at work entails. I do not care who is fucking whom. I do not play golf of possess the ability to give a shit about someone else’s golf score. I do not want to go to pseudo social work related events. I want to go to work each day, get some shit done, and go the fuck home and spend time with my family and friends.

I’m doomed.

1 comment:

plain(s)feminist said...

I love your blog. LOVE it.